As the holiday season is in full swing, the familiar sound of bells jingling, carolers singing, and fireplaces crackling are accompanied by the annual appearance of a classic favourite on our screens: Christmas Vacation. The Griswold family’s misadventures have been resonating with audiences for years as a mirror to the comedic conflicts that often characterize our own lives during the holidays.
Much like the Griswolds, we find ourselves surrounded by images and expectations of joy, togetherness, and celebration – but the reality for many can be far from the festive cheer portrayed in advertisements at this time of year. This is where the concept of radical acceptance becomes a gift – one that allows us to handle some of the complexities of the holiday season with resilience and grace.
“Acceptance doesn’t mean you agree with, condone, or give up. It simply means you stop fighting reality.” – Dan Millman, Way of the Peaceful Warrior (1980)
What is Radical Acceptance?
Radical acceptance is a concept that encourages us to fully embrace reality, even when it's challenging or painful. Leading psychologist Marsha Linehan introduced the concept to Western societies, which is rooted in Dialectical Behavioural Therapy (DBT). It involves acknowledging and accepting the present moment without judgment, resistance, or the desire to change it. It doesn't mean we condone or like everything that happens; rather, it's about making peace with the things we cannot control. Linehan states “radical acceptance rests on letting go of the illusion of control and a willingness to notice and accept things as they are right now, without judging.”
Research in the field of psychology has highlighted the numerous benefits of practicing radical acceptance. A 2019 meta-analysis showed that cancer patients who practiced acceptance-based behaviour had less psychological distress. Approaching their diagnosis with compassion and without judgment proved to be an effective step in alleviating internal struggles. Other research has shown that DBT is effective for the treatment of suicidal behaviour and, in clinical trials, it’s been demonstrated to reduce self-directed violence.
Suggested Video: Marsha Linehan: How She Learned Radical Acceptance
Why Radical Acceptance Matters During the Holidays
Remember when Clark Griswold excitedly opens what he believes to be a generous Christmas bonus -- only to find a one-year subscription to the Jelly of the Month Club? This is a relatable depiction of the gap between our idealized visions of the holidays and the often imperfect, unexpected realities we encounter instead. When reality doesn’t align with our expectations, disappointment sets in – and fighting these emotions often backfires. Radical acceptance helps us let go of these ‘visions’ and appreciate the present.
In addition to helping us handle unmet expectations, embracing radical acceptance during this time is particularly relevant when it comes to dealing with family dynamics. For many, the holidays mean spending time with relatives, which can be a source of both comfort and stress. Radical acceptance allows us to acknowledge these dynamics without judgment, leading to healthier interactions and reducing emotional turmoil. The holidays can also intensify feelings of loss, especially for those who are missing loved ones or going through significant life changes. Radical acceptance provides a framework for acknowledging and processing these emotions.
Suggested Video: Tough Luck: Accepting Life’s Unfairness Will Set You Free
How to Practice Radical Acceptance
You can practice radical acceptance during the holidays by acknowledging imperfections, understanding that everyone has their own unique take on celebrations, and being flexible when things don’t go as planned.
The Berkeley Well-Being Institute recommends the following radical acceptance coping statements to repeat out loud or in your mind:
- I can’t change the past.
- I can only control the present moment.
- This situation is only temporary.
- I have no control over what happened in the past.
- I can accept things as they are.
- There is no point in fighting with the past.
- I am letting go of these negative emotions.
- I can accept myself the way I am.
- I have no control over other people, what they do or say. I can only control how I react.
- I am focusing on the present moment.
- This feeling will pass, and I will be OK.
With these mantras in mind, here are some examples of common holiday experiences and challenges, and how you can practice radical acceptance to get through them:
- Family Dynamics: Accept that the holiday season can be stressful and that this season will pass. Recognize that your family members have unique ways of celebrating the holidays. Remind yourself: “I have no control over other people, what they do or say. I can only control how I react.”
- Loss of Loved Ones: Acknowledge the absence of loved ones and accept that the holidays won’t be the same without them. It’s okay to grieve and feel sadness, and not to pressure yourself to ‘get over it’. Grieving is a process and it’s normal to experience a range of emotions during this time. Accept that you can’t change the past, and look for ways to honour your loved ones in your celebrations. Connect with friends, family, or a support network. Sharing your feelings with others can provide a sense of validation and understanding.
- Financial Challenges: Accept that you are facing financial challenges this year and allow yourself to let go of any negative emotions around money or any pressure to overspend. Consider expressing to family and friends that this holiday season will be financially modest, and together, explore other ways to celebrate.
- Gift-Giving: While you would love to find the perfect gifts for everyone on your list, accept that it’s okay if you can’t. Remember that you have no control over other people, what they do or say. You can only control your actions. Focus on the joy of giving and receiving, rather than the perfection of the presents.
- Hectic Schedules: Accept that your schedule might not align perfectly with others for every holiday event. Instead of stressing about fitting everything in, be flexible and prioritize quality time over quantity. Let friends and family know about your schedule, and indicate that it might be challenging for you to attend every event – but that you would like to focus on making the time you do spend together meaningful.
- Decorations: Instead of stressing over creating an Instagram-worthy wreath display or feeling pressured to buy the ‘viral’ Christmas tree everyone is talking about on TikTok, accept the charm of your existing, perhaps, mismatched ornaments and decorations. Each one tells a story, and that’s what makes holiday decorations special.
“True acceptance comes from understanding that we are all flawed and making peace with both ourselves and others.” – Brené Brown, The Gifts of Imperfection (2010)
Keep Practicing
Clark Griswold’s over-the-top holiday lights remind us of the extravagant expectations we may set for ourselves during this season – and more often than not, these holiday dreams exceed reality. Just as the Griswolds discover that the true spirit of the season transcends elaborate decorations, we too uncover that the magic of the holidays lies in embracing the genuine connections and love that surround us, flaws and all. While radical acceptance can be difficult to practice, it’s important to keep practicing. Embracing the essence of radical acceptance, we learn to find joy in the unplanned, the imperfect, and the moments that define our unique holiday experiences.
Written by Rosie Del Campo
Additional Sources
Dalgleish, T., Yiend, J., Schweizer, S., & Dunn, B. D. (2009). Ironic effects of emotion suppression when recounting distressing memories. Emotion, 9(5), 744–749.
DeCou, C. R., Comtois, K. A., & Landes, S. J. (2019). Dialectical behavior therapy is effective for the treatment of suicidal behavior: A meta-analysis. Behavior therapy, 50(1), 60-72.
Taitz, J. (2021). Radical Acceptance Can Keep Emotional Pain From Turning Into Suffering. The New York Times.
